Two weeks ago I wrote about Finding the Courage to Communicate. In that piece I discussed the importance of properly communicating, even if that means facing your fears. Learning to communicate despite your fear is not only a skill that will benefit your relationships with others, but it is a tool that will serve you as well. As I stated before, you owe it to yourself to know where you stand with others. You do not have to live life in the grey. Such uncertainty is bound to lead to misunderstandings, confusions and hurt feelings. Unfortunately, I have learned this lesson the hard way. The words of the song Exhale (Shoop, Shoop) by Whitney Houston are indeed true, “Hearts are often broken when there are words unspoken.” Therefore, proper communication is crucial to a living happy and balanced life.
This begs the question, however: How does one properly communicate? What are the rules of engagement? Another way of asking this question is, what are some roadblocks to proper communication? There are many ways to answer this question. To be sure, fear is a roadblock, but it is not the only hindrance to communication. There are moments when we have no qualms about what we want to say to someone, but what proceeds out of our mouths isn’t exactly proper or effective. Thus, I wanted to share some roadblocks to proper communication I have observed.
Failure to Recognize a Communication Problem
I recall a story about a couple that was asked in counseling if they had a problem communicating. The husband said no, but the wife said yes. Who is right? The wife of course! But not because wives are always right (which may in fact be the case). Rather, the wife is right because of the nature of communication. In order for there to be good communication, both parties must agree that they communicate well. The very fact that there was a difference in the responses between the husband and wife demonstrated a communication problem. Someone was not being heard effectively.
The husband was unaware of their problem, however. This may have been because the wife has not expressed it to him or his willful ignorance. It is unclear. What is clear, though, is that if the husband was unaware of the problem he certainly was not working to improve it. I know this has been said in other settings, but it is true here as well. In order to get past a problem, you must first acknowledge that it exists. Sometimes we are unaware of our communication problem. There have been instances where I thought I clearly expressed myself, only to have the other person interpret my words differently than intended. The result was that we were not on the same page.
Whether our ignorance to the problem is willful or unintentional, the result can be the same. As a result, I think one lesson we can learn is to be more vigilant about the clarity and effectiveness of our communication. Make an honest assessment of how well you convey your message. We may believe we have expressed ourselves well, or believe that the absence of conflict means all parties are on the same page, but these may be false assumptions. When possible, remove the assumptions and seek clarity.
Investing More in Protecting Your Ego Than the Relationship
Closely connected to the above point is that we must always seek clarity and understanding over defending and building our egos. This point recalls another story. When my dad was a teenager, he had returned home after being away at boot camp for the navy. During his time away he became a vociferous reader, acquiring new words to his vocabulary. Upon his return he was all too eager to share his expanded vocabulary with his family in hopes of impressing them. He made the constant error of using $5 words when a $1 word would work just fine. Finally my grandfather, the family sage and self-taught intellectual, admonished my father with these words: “Son, the point of communication is to have people understand you. If no one understands you, then are you communicating? And if you are not communicating then why are you speaking?”
While this story my be comical (at least to me. I laugh er’ time I hear it) I think it underscores another issue in communication. The primary purpose of proper communication is to clearly relay your idea, thought or point to another person. It is not about engaging in an ostentatious display of your intellect,[1] or about proving your point (save that for debating). To be sure, you may achieve both objectives, but they should not be your main objective. Don’t be so consumed with defending your ego or your need to be right that you miss the chance to actually communicate. In other words, proper communication is not about attacking the other person, but about seeking clarity and understanding. So next time you need to communicate, which will occur in 3…2…1…, ask yourself, do my words engender clarity and create understanding or do they tear down and further divide. How well you answer that will determine how well you can properly communicate.
–Until Next Time–
Palooke
[1] Someone please convey this to academics!
Man, that’s pretty awesome what your grandfather said and so true. You’re wasting your time if the folks you’re talking to aren’t understanding what you’re saying.
And ohhh ego…anytime I successfully put my ego aside in a conversation (which isn’t all the time, but I’m working on it), it is amazing how painful it is. Even though you know it’s good for you, it really hurts.