The Crowd You Keep: Roadblocks to Success

One of the major downfalls that I have observed from formerly successful people is not that the work simply dried up, or that they were no longer popular. Rather, they surrounded themselves with toxic people who led them to destruction. Oddly enough, these toxic people were not necessarily overtly harmful, but often masqueraded as supporters and confidants. Their words were presented as wise counsel, but in reality operated as manipulation or enablement. As Lauryn Hill sang in her song Forgive Them Father, “they say all the right things to gain their position, then use your kindness as their ammunition, to shoot you down in the name of ambition.” I have come to realize that finding trusted confidants is as crucial to achieving and maintaining success as having a necessary skillset.

But how does one find a trusted confidant? There is no foolproof way to answer that question, but there are general guidelines you should consider. To begin, you should learn when and how to trust your gut or intuition. I believe we can sense and perceive information on levels beyond our cognitive ability. If your non-cognitive perception gives you pause, or you are not at peace, then do not ignore that. Proceed slowly and with caution. My experience has shown that when I am internally not at peace about a person or a situation, in time, those feelings are substantiated through an external manifestation. You have to be patient, however, to allow the situation to unfold. Otherwise you may see the truth, but it may be too late.

Another general rule is to avoid “yes” people; those that provide support without boundaries. This is an important rule, but not always easy to follow however. For instance, being challenged or receiving a critique is not easy, and when faced with a negative comment or reaction from a friend on a particular issue we can find ourselves tempted to ignore our friend’s advice and find someone who will support us. An example of this scenario can be observed in the book of 1 King 12, when Rehoboam becomes king. He wanted to continue the legacy of his father King Solomon, but one of his father’s shortcomings was the heavy taxes he laid on his people. The people asked Rehoboam to lighten the taxes. Initially he sought advice from the older men that counseled his father, and they suggested he heed the concern of the people. Unsatisfied with this answer, Rehoboam forsook the counsel of the old men, and consulted his peers. They advised him to levy heavier taxes on the people and to be more of a burden than his father Solomon. Rehoboam chose the advice of his peers, and as a result, the kingdom was split in two.

Although it is easy to judge Rehoboam’s actions as foolish in rejecting the counsel of older and wiser men, he is not that much different than we are. At times we claim to want trusted confidants who will tell us the truth, but in reality we only want “yes” people to cosign what we are feeling. I know I have been guilty of this. There have been instances where I was faced with an issue and kept asking people their advice, under the guise of “venting” or “brainstorming solutions.” However if I were honest with myself, I would have to acknowledge that what I was doing was not seeking objective advice, but advice that suited my predetermined ideas.

I’m sure I am not the only one guilty of this behavior. In fact, the next time you are in need of advice, ask yourself, am I really seeking objective advice to help my situation, or am I merely trying to find “yes” people to comfort me in my situation? Am I approaching this person because I know they will tell me what I want to hear, or am I approaching this person because I know they will tell me the truth? Answering these questions will help parse between potential “yes” people and trusted confidants. And that in turn, may be the difference between success and failure.

–Until Next Time–

Palooke