According to the Briggs Myer Personality test, I am an INFJ.[1] I am introverted with a quiet and reserved disposition. Even though I have used Palooke’s World as a space to share perhaps more than I would normally, outside of my writings, I value my privacy and do not like the idea of publicly sharing my feelings and innermost thoughts. This is partially due to my natural make-up, but more than that, this comes from fear; the fear of rejection and the fear of humiliation. In other words, I do not like the idea of being vulnerable, and what can be more vulnerable than sharing your private thoughts? What if I share my feelings and people don’t understand me? What if they think I’m crazy? What if I come across as dumb? What if I say the wrong thing; will people laugh? These are some of the thoughts that race through my head all the time when I’m in a group setting, and prevent me from speaking up. At times, despite my accomplishments and degrees, there are still moments when I can’t escape feelings of inferiority and not feeling smart enough.
As an INFJ I am also a very introspective person, and have questioned and sought understanding for why certain settings cause me to become paralyzed with these fears. I believe part of my issue stems from being an African American woman existing in the American context. Unfortunately, living at the intersection of being a woman and black, I am not in the category of people typically seen as smart or one to be nurtured in academic and professional institutions. Another reason for my fears of inadequacy stem from what I now realize was a seminal moment in my life. It occurred when I was in the first grade. I was the only black child in my class, I did not have any friends that would play with me, and I struggled academically, especially with reading. I distinctly remember a particular event where my teacher looked down at me with such frustration and amazement when I could not read the word “breakfast” during my time to read for the class. Everyone else in the class seemed to know what the word was, except me. The truth is, I had been struggling privately with my reading, but she caught me in a very public way and I realized then, although rather subconsciously, that if I never shared publicly again, then I would never have that same kind of humiliation. If I stay quiet and speak infrequently, then no one will ever know I can’t read the word “breakfast.” While I am sure that my interpretation of that memory is colored by my feelings of humiliation, the impact is still real. I guess, in some ways, I’m still that little first grader.
I know connecting one’s current problems to an event in childhood seems cliché, but for me it’s more than that. For me, going deeper means understanding why I am the way I am. It means addressing the root of the problem and not simply dealing with the symptoms (i.e. only desiring more confidence and boldness). The real root is that embarrassed little girl who still holds the scars of her past and has compounded them through the years by negative reinforcement. Therefore, for me to free myself from my fears entails not only me praying about them, but it’s about unlearning bad lessons and allowing God to re-teach me about myself. Un-learning lessons is not easy, and can be arduous work. Like so many other things in life, it has been a process. Even though I am not where I would like to be, I have progressed greatly from that little first grade girl.
Dealing with personal insecurities is not an issue unique to me. We all have learned negative lessons about ourselves from a plethora of places like our family, school and the media. Despite this, these negative lessons need not dictate our lives. The key is to be self aware enough to recognize the negative lessons, and work to learn anew the truth of who we are. It’s just that simple and yet that difficult. Be patient and give yourself grace as you re-learn these lessons. Remember, it is a journey, and we’re all on this together.
–Until Next Time–
Palooke
[1] Read more about it here and feel free to take the test to find your type. Just click here http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Very good post, Brooke. Last time I tested myself I was ‘ISTJ’ if I remember correctly, but I just did it via the link you provided and my results were ‘ISFJ’, so I definitely feel you in regards to much of what you’ve mentioned in your post.
On the other hand, it is very interesting. I’ve told my wife how brilliant her friends like you are when I hear of your education, so on the outside it appears that you are a big go-getter. Again though, I think about how I saw one of my high school friends a few years back and he said that based on how he knew me, he figured I’d be in D.C. doing something instead of still being in the area. I laughed at that. It’s funny because people often see much more in us than we do in ourselves.
Anyway though, very insightful post.
Hey Shawn. Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate your comments. You’re right, I think people see more in us than we see in ourselves. Sometimes that’s a good thing because it can keep us humble; other times it prevents us from maximizing our abilities. I hope that by being honest about it I can help people live in a way that maximizes their potential while remaining humble.
I’m your age X2 with a couple of extra 12 month stretches added and I can so identify with this one experience levied by a teacher, an authority figure we should have been able to trust. Unfortunately, everyone cannot be trusted to use common sense (now called ‘rare sense’ I’m told) when dealing with other people. Sensitivity training should be mandatory and those who take it should have pop quizzes throughout their careers, especially when they deal with young hearts. However, I am a firm believer that God does not waste anything in our lives, especially the rude and crude behavior of those ‘in charge’. Your experience, I perceive, has made you even more aware and careful with those you interact with and that, Dear One, is priceless. I just read something about Corrie Ten Boom and her sister that caused me tears and great joy all at the same time. It seems their captors made them take off all of their clothes at one point in front of other prisoners and guards, as well. This shaming act was meant to do just that, shame them. Then, Corrie got this revelation and told her sister: You know, He was made naked and endured humiliation in front of a crowd, too. He endured it for us (speaking of Jesus and the crucifixion), Her sister said: ‘And I never got to thank Him’. If I’m understanding what it may have felt like, to be exposed and shamed in a crowd, that’s what your former teacher did to you. That’s what my teacher did to me (as did a few other people along the way). And yet, God has seen fit to use that which caused a bit of a limp to become a place and a tool of healing for so many. I applaud your courage and tenacity. I thank God for your venturing out to share and perhaps give others the boost they need to come out of the shadows and let the light of God’s Word begin to heal their wounded souls.
Thank you Sister Honey! I really appreciate you reading my post and leaving me a message. You are right, despite this experience, I try to use it (and all my life’s experiences) as lessons that I can share with others and hopefully bring healing where I can.
Wow you have a talent for writing and drawing people in. This is GREAT
Thank you!!