I am sure that we have all been guilty of this before, and we have all been on the receiving end of it as well: advice that hurts. It may hurt for different reasons. Perhaps it hurts because it is true and you were not ready to deal with the truth. Maybe it hurts because it completely disregards or misconstrues the effort you have put forth in addressing an issue, and so it feels accusatory. And it may hurt because the person giving advice has no idea how you feel, and their disconnect makes you feel isolated or even more alone in dealing with the issue. Whatever your reason, the truth remains; advice is not always helpful, and in fact can be quite devastating.
Giving advice, I have come to realize, is risky business. You do not want to be like Job’s friends from the biblical story. After Job experienced utter devastation with the death of his children, the loss of wealth and being physically afflicted, his friends only rubbed salt into his already painful wounds. Initially, they sat silently and mourned with him for seven days and nights. But as time passed and the suffering did not cease, they could not comprehend the persistent devastation. Utilizing their limited understanding of the world, they accused Job of a secret wrong, suggesting that his calamity was the result of his sin. Their “advice” was that he repent so that he could be relieved of his suffering. Job had done no wrong, however, and their advice was accusatory, misplaced and wrong. In the end, they only added to their friend’s suffering. They meant well and they thought they were right, but they were painfully wrong.
If you are anything like me, when you see someone with an issue, you want to help him or her in any capacity, similar to how Job’s friends wanted to help. Instinctively I began offering possible solutions and lessons I have learned that I believe are applicable. I mean well. I promise I do! But as the old saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In my haste to “fix” and “heal” someone, at times I fail to fully listen to the person and hear what he or she actually wants from me. People do not always clearly articulate their needs because they are not always clear on what their need is. In other instances, people may simply want to vent, process or express themselves. They are not looking for me to analyze and solve whatever I perceive to be the issue. I have found that those moments when I am being more hurtful than helpful come when I am too quick to offer my opinion on the issue and the solution. Likewise, the most hurtful advice I received came when it was unsolicited.
Although advice can be hurtful, I do not want to make you paranoid about giving advice to me or anyone else. Nor do I want to demonize advice because it is a necessary part of the learning process. After all, my blog is largely my “advice” based on my observations, and it would be far too ironic for an advice blog to diminish the giving of advice. Instead, what I want to point out is that advice, like all good things, has the potential to be misused, whether intentionally or not. Therefore, we ought to be very careful and exercise wisdom when we feel the urge to provide it. Listen to what the person is saying, because listening may be all they want and need from you. There are moments in life when people need to express themselves, and any feedback may be seen as diminishing their feelings or their issue. You, and I, must learn how to perceive when we are called to sit silently with people and when to offer words of comfort, wisdom and even rebuke. Conversely, we also must recognize when a person only wants to complain but does not actually want to improve; such a person will scorn any advice and play the victim. Ultimately, I think the matter comes down to using wisdom and discernment. Unfortunately, we will not always get it right, but if we are at least cognizant of the tremendous impact our advice can have, then perhaps we will not wield it carelessly.
–Until Next Time–
Palooke
