The other week my friend sent me an article entitled for church girls who considered adoption, invitro and going off the pill because boaz might be doing a bid upstate. In the article, the author, who is a young 30 something woman much like myself, finds herself perusing her educational and career goals but not quite achieving on her familial desires. Specifically, she has begun a prestigious Ph.D. program, and while she will be relatively young upon completion of her degree, she will be much older than she would like to start a family. She wants to be both married and a mother, but finds herself not having either role. Although she cannot quite control finding a spouse, motherhood is more within her grasp, and so she has decided to pursue motherhood before marriage for fear of finding that she ends up with neither.
As you can imagine, I found this article to be quite provocative, and it instantly sent thousands of thoughts and questions swirling around my head. While I could respond to the article in a myriad of ways, I do not want to use this post to critique or support her decision (I’ll save that for my private email response to my friend). Rather, I want to explore a deeper series of questions lurking underneath the article. What do you do when life seems to deny or delay your dream? How do you handle life’s no? We are not meant to knock down every door. Some doors are closed for our protection. How do you distinguish between the need for persistence or redirection? When, if ever, is it ok to “help” fate or God, and to what degree? When are we called to simply trust God or trust the process of life, and when are we called to action?
In other words, life is a mixture of things we can control and things we cannot control. I have a suspicion that more things lie in the latter category than we would like to think, and we run into trouble when we try to control what is ultimately beyond our control. Nevertheless, being able to distinguish between what we can control and what we cannot is a critical tool for life. How do you know when to persist, or when to fall back? I do not have the answer, but I offer these questions for you to consider when determining if you should “help” fate.
Will My “Help” Actually Lead to My Desired End?
One point that stood out to me about the author’s self-sufficient attitude toward life’s seeming denial of her dream for marriage and motherhood is that it ends in a compromise. She still fails to fully achieve her goal, and instead settles for half of her goal. This begs the question, is what you seek to accomplish by helping fate actually what you want? Will your “help” achieve your exact goal? Or will your “help” achieve a compromised goal? To be sure, life is about compromise and flexibility. After all, the author could wait for both, but end up with neither. Yet, although in some instances half of a goal may be better than none, in other cases, half of a goal may turn out to be Frankenstein. Make sure you know consider which outcome is more likely.
What Might I Be Preventing in My Life By “Helping” Fate?
Along the same vein as the above question, you should also consider how “helping” fate and compromising might affect your ability to achieve your ultimate goal. For instance, to what degree will the author’s choice of motherhood before marriage interfere, if at all, with her marriage goal? Is your “help” putting you closer to your ultimate goal, or is it creating a roadblock?
Did You Pray About It?
Lastly, because I am a Christian, I would have to ask what does God say? Has God asked for your “help”? Have you prayed and reflected about your next move? I do not ask this as a reductionist attempt to disregard or diminish the many tears you may have cried, and the days of anguish you have already spent praying about it. I know what it means to exist in those feelings and at times have found prayer more frustrating than alleviating. Nevertheless, my faith compels me to persist in praying and asking God.
But, what happens if your prayer is met with a no, then what is the appropriate response? Or what if you are answered with a delay? How long are you willing to wait for your dream before compromising? Sometimes the biggest obstacle people face in achieving their dream is impatience. Are you being persistent or impatient? Ultimately, your decision, whatever it is, should be made after much reflection, consideration and time. If you do so, you may not choose perfectly, but I believe you will choose well.
–Until Next Time–
Palooke
