Last year I graduated with my third degree, but had no concrete plan on the next steps to take in achieving my goals. In fact, I was no longer sure what my goals were anymore. What I thought I would be doing was no longer possible, and I needed to establish new goals. While I am still navigating through this process of forging new goals and modifying old dreams, it can be scary at times, but I am nonetheless very hopeful and excited about the possibilities that await. This was not the case last year, however. The idea of charting new territory while relinquishing past dreams, saddened me on a level deeper than my conscious mind realized. Buried deep in my subconscious were feelings of disappointment and discontentment. I was unhappy, but unaware. All I knew was that life was not unfolding the way I planned in my head, and I was unsure of how to handle the situation.
How did I get to this point of being disconnected from my discontentment? To be sure, I did have a degree of cognizance about my emotional state. However, I think my desire to always appear “fine” and emotionally together caused me to not appreciate the full magnitude of the emotional blow struck by life’s disappointment. I repressed my true feelings, just to have them seep out in other ways. Only now do I realize that I have spent the last year, to a large extent, mourning the death of the life I thought I would have. In other words, I was mourning the death of a dream. As you can imagine, and perhaps know for yourself, long held dreams and desires are not easily relinquished. Divinity school, to some extent, was a distraction from this; I could simply focus on school and not worry about what I have left behind. But this could only last for so long; two years to be exact.
With the conclusion of school, I had no more excuses and nothing to distract my mind; I had to face the disappointment. While this was a difficult process, exacerbated by other unexpected stressful life events, it was a needed process in order for me to let go of the past and embrace a better future. Life has not availed itself in the manner in which I had hoped, but the older I get, the more I can appreciate this. The work I do now, and the new dreams I have for myself could not exist in the life I first envisioned in my head many years ago. Sometimes I think we dream too small, and when those dreams do not come to fruition it is for our good. It is God’s way of lovingly nudging us in the right direction; a direction that maximizes our potential and expands our contentment. Of course, getting to these bigger dreams may mean traveling a road of tears and disappointment, but the end result is greater than those tears, and much bigger than what you could have asked or dreamed.
So although I had to mourn the past, I now celebrate the future with great anticipation of the wonderful future that awaits me. You too may find yourself saddened or mourning the denial of a dream, but be encouraged. Don’t be afraid to take some time to reflect and truly acknowledge the disappointment and discontentment. Being honest with your feelings will lead to a more authentic life. Yet you cannot stay in that place. Eventually, you must continue on, and learn to dream again.
–Until Next Time–
Palooke
